Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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