Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
