we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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