you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
