i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
