I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
