Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize