My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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