Barsexuality is the new black.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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