theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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