Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
