I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
