ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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