why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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