I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
