I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
