He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
