I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
