You're completely useless in the revolution.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Randomize
