i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
