just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
