ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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