Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
