Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
