i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
