So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
