I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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