I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
