ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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