so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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