im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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