So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize