I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drake has all the answers
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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