I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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