Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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