cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Send help, water and tortillas.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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