I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize