I wish I only lived at night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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