Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
