Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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