you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize