if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
