these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
