Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
