someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
