i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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