New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize