Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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