had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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