Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
