He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
