any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize