What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
