I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
