My friends, they love my intelligence
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize