I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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