thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
