I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
