I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
