So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
