I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
