You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
